Molly Elizabeth Brown

Again, this is another post drafted long ago. This, however, is incomplete and was drafted while Molly was still with us. It was originally intended to describe the course of a normal day at home; all the tasks which my angelic wife so ably performed for our children. What it was not meant to do was sound like me complaining; in hindsight that's what it sounds like.

Sadly what sticks out the most is that it was less than one week before Molly died and she was as happy as ever. I remember the scene in the doctor's office like it just happened - and I would bet a paycheck Dr. Paul would say the same thing.

March 7, 2008
That's right I stayed home from work last Thursday.

Erin called me Wednesday to say she wasn't feeling well so I came home in time to pick up Gavin from school. I did my best to tend to the little ones for the remainder of the day, including a dinner date with the Hilton Head Browns over at Margot's parents' house. Erin has Molly's feeding schedule and medication doses and timing memorized. I am not so fortunate, so as a child of technology I went ahead and started putting all that pertinent information into my iPhone. Now every time something important has to happen for the Bear, I get a reminder. At any rate we had a nice visit with the Browns and ultimately everyone was very well behaved...and I didn't screw anything up.

So I stayed home the following day to continue helping with the daily grind. Erin stayed in bed for most of the morning and then stayed on the couch for the afternoon. Whatever she had is long gone now, but for the last couple days it took a lot out of her. But here is the point: on my "day off" I sat down for the first time at about 7:30 pm and when I did so it was in a barely conscious lump on the couch.

I love the minute by minute account so let me attempt to accurately describe Thursday, March 6, 2008:

4:30 - wake up to give Molly her first dose of medicine [this is a new thing we decided on at the GI Tuesday; she thought if we could get Molly her reflux meds earlier then it may prevent her from that sole episode of spitting up we were so perplexed by every morning. So far it has worked.]

7:00 - Gavin comes down and wakes me up.

7:30 - After 30 minutes of fading in and out between conscious and not so much, each segment of conscious filled with Gavin begging for breakfast, I head to the kitchen. I start to make coffee and realize we only have enough to make one cup of coffee. Then I pour Gavin some cereal and cover it with the remaining drops of milk.

7:35 - I start making a grocery list as he eats his breakfast.

7:50 - Get Gavin in the shower. Around this time I also start the first load of laundry. [Keep in mind in our house a "load of laundry" actually consists on three: the one coming out of the dryer to be folded; the one moving from the washer to the dryer; and the one being sorted and put into the washer. I only mention this because I will likely leave out the future details of this process except perhaps to mention that it went on almost constantly all day until I folded the last stitches of clothing at around 7 pm.] It's also around this time I get Molly's first feed started.

8:05 - Get Gavin out of the shower and dressed (that's correct, he takes very long showers). Now of course at this point I do not realize how busy my day is going to be, but as I get his clothes out I realize I need to add another task to my list: getting him new pants because all of his have holes in them. This is also around the time I start to get frustrated with him for not wanting to wear exactly what I hand him. Until I listen to his argument and remember what it was like to be little.

[Basically I handed him a pair of solid navy blue boxer briefs. He starts whining about how he doesn't want to wear them because they're not comfortable. I tell him they're exactly like the sports ones but without pictures. He continues to whine and proceeds to tell me he doesn't like them because they have no pictures on them. I explain it makes no difference because his clothes will be covering them. Then after some back and forth he comes clean with, "but when it's potty time the other kids will see them." How could I have been so dumb? Obviously you don't want to be the only kid whose drawers don't have pictures on them. Just like when you're about eight and you don't want to be the only kid whose do.]

8:15 - check some emails and check in with the folks at work. I suggest to Gavin we get going early to hit the grocery store before dropping him off at school. Gavin is nothing if not a creature of habit and he wants nothing to do with this pre-dropoff grocery store run. Erin reminds me Molly has a doctor appointment at 9:30. This is not in my Calendar. I try to mentally work through the fact that something could actually be scheduled AND attended without being in my Calendar. This phenomenon makes me uncomfortable.

8:40 - we're out the door to school. Gavin promises to have a good day even though he is not sure how he feels about me picking him up two days in a row. He has been begging me to pick him up at school for months and now that I am going to do so two days in a row he is not buying into it. It seems picking up is something Mommies do.

8:50 - As I drive away and check my Calendar for instructions on what happens next, I ponder where Gavin could possibly get these habits from.

9 - Back at the house briefly while I change Molly's clothes and get her ready for the doctor. This includes stocking the diaper bag, bringing a change of clothes, getting her coat on, loading her into the car. All of this takes nearly 20 minutes. And then we're off to the doctor.

9:25 - "Welcome to Dunkin Donuts can I take your order?" I started to drink that one cup of coffee without milk a couple hours ago but coffee makers just aren't designed to make a good single cup of coffee, and it's impossible to drink mediocre coffee black.

9:30 - Dr. Paul's office is completely empty and we sign in and go to the exam room immediately. We wait a total of about five minutes before he comes in to check on her. He comments how Molly is more animated than he has ever seen her before. He leaves the room for a few minutes and returns to see Molly cracking herself up on the table. Dr. Paul has never heard Molly laugh before; I think this makes him happy. After the second of two needles goes into her legs she lets out a loud scream; this he has heard before.

10:05 - Drop Molly off at the house and head out to Target and the grocery store.

10:30 - Wandering aimlessly through Target buying things from my grocery list that I'd think would be less expensive in Target, and pants for Gavin. And the first two Harry Potter books (I've read them all now, but I want to start over and I borrowed the first five from a friend - so now I have to buy them).

10:40 - At an otherwise empty deli line in the grocery store. This is apparently the time to do your grocery shopping. And up until now I thought it was normal to pull the number thirteen digits higher than the one currently being served.

11:05 - As usual I have spent just over the weekly budget for what appears to be very little food.

11:15 - Unload the groceries; check in at work; revisit the laundry; check on Molly's food and meds. She and Erin are resting in front of the TV downstairs.

11:45 - Pick up Gavin from school. [Gavin has to be conscious of his behavior at school so we have started a rating system with his teachers: a plus is worth two, a check is worth one, and a minus is zero. The total at the end of the week determines how fabulous/mediocre his reward will be. This is the first time I have witnessed the negotiation that takes place to determine the day's mark.] Plus day for Gavin.

Noon - We're working our way through the aisles of Blockbuster to find him a good movie to watch. We discuss the merits of 101 Dalmatians vs the Backyardigans Secret Agent movie he has already rented once before. We secure 101 Dalmatians and head home.

12:15 - Make Gavin's lunch; attend to more laundry; check on Molly's food supply.

12:50 - Put Gavin in for his nap. I now have a good chunk of time to get some things done. Some of the fun things I choose to do: fold three loads of laundry that have accumulated; put clothes away; check in at work.

...there is/was obviously more to this day, but I don't remember it now.

It's been months, I know. I drafted this post below a long time ago. It was meant to be sort of a sign off. Or at least to announce a hiatus. Since I never posted it, it probably seems as though I have just disappeared. I am quite certain you all understand why this is. But in the spirit of honesty, and in an attempt to transition back into this thing we do here, I give you my farewell post from three plus months ago...

MARCH 31, 2008

I've been hesitant to post anything because I am not quite sure what the purpose of this space is anymore. When it started it was a place to update people on Molly and her challenges, progress, milestones. It casually slid into a space for those things and general Brown family challenges, successes/failures, milestones, etc. All along, however, it was about Molly.

It is and always has been Molly's space. Sure, I throw in a random post now and then that seems to have very little to do with the Bear, directly, but it would still be immediately brought back to where it belongs.

What happens now?

I've also been hesitant to post because - well to be honest - I am bitter. I am sad; and angry; and disappointed. I'm tired. And I have no idea what I am supposed to write.

I miss my little girl. How many different ways can I say it? How many different posts are really necessary to articulate that?

Sure, we have happy memories. Tons of them. Those are what get me through the day. Those are how I get out of bed in the morning; how I sit in my office and smile; how I carry on a normal conversation with someone.

This has always been the space where pure, unadulterated honesty slips through the cracks. It's always been a safe place for vulnerability and curiosity. For some reason I always felt like I could write things here that would never be said or done in "real life."

So now what? I am supposed to just complain about how unfair this is? Post all the things that I see on a daily basis that remind me about the little Bear I should be tucking in at night rather than blowing a kiss to in an empty room? Honestly, does anyone want to read that?

So, seriously, what happens now? I'd say for the foreseeable future there aren't likely to be a whole lot of posts. If something of interest pops up I will certainly get it up here, but as for regularly scheduled updates or random thoughts...I am not so sure. Because, since this is the place for unadulterated honesty, currently the real me may actually be easier to be around than the blog me.