If You Have to Ask

I've heard that if you have to ask how much it is, you probably can't afford it. I just assume I can't afford it no matter how much it is, so I buy it without asking so the person selling it thinks I can afford it.

The same seems to be true of a lot of things. If you have to ask, you should probably carefully consider what follows. Think about it: how often do you say, "Do you mind if I ask you something?" This is inevitably followed by something personal or potentially offensive: "Could you loan me $5,000 so I can buy that plasma TV. I'm not sure how much it is but with $5k in my pocket I am sure it's in my range."

That's obviously a silly example, but I hope it makes sense. It's basically the same idea as checking the price: If you're seeking permission to ask the question, you should probably reconsider the question.

Mind you this all stems from my Lenten sacrifice. Since I pledged to give up making negative comments, I am usually careful to consider what I say before I actually say it [This has not been without setbacks, of course. See sometimes my mouth works faster than my brain and completely ridiculous things just come spewing out. Like when I was watching American Idol the other night and I saw the big kid with all the curly hair and rather than taking the time to say something positive - well or even meet in the middle with something only slightly negative - my reckless trap let out, "I can't believe someone married that guy." What a jerk. I know. But at least he wasn't there to hear me.]. This also makes me more attentive to what others are saying. I have decided that it would serve everyone well to take a minute to think about what they're saying before actually doing so. It might make the world a happier place to live; albeit less fun.

Get to the point already.

I was once told that there are only three things you should absolutely never ask someone: 1. How much money do you make? 2. Why don't you have children? and 3. Are you two sleeping together? These are three things you should ABSOLUTELY never ask, and if you take a couple minutes to analyze them, it'll make perfect sense. In addition, however, there are a number of things you should probably never ask, and most of them are prefaced with the request to ask them.

"Do you mind if I ask..."
"I hope you don't mind me asking..."
"Would it be okay if I asked..."
"Can I be honest with you..."
"Will you be honest with me..."

Obviously this isn't a hard and fast rule. "Will you be honest with me? Do these pants make my butt look big?" or "I hope you don't mind me asking where you got that burrito?" are clear exceptions. However, in my humble opinion, "Would it be okay if I asked if those are real?" and "Do you mind if I ask what's wrong with her?" are never appropriate. Especially if they're designed to start a conversation with a stranger.

Now let's just assume for a moment mine are not real. And there I am in the plastic surgeon's reception area where I am waiting to see Dr. Boneshaver about some rhinoplasty. I may be perfectly comfortable extrapolating that the buxom young woman next to me has already enjoyed the good doctor's services, but would it be appropriate of me to ask her about it? Perhaps. Maybe if I were to say, "I hope you don't mind me asking? Do you know anything about this doctor?" But certainly not if I were to say "Do you mind if I ask what's wrong with those?" She might be there to talk about fixing a scar from her knee surgery; or his daughter, waiting to go to lunch. You can't presume to know anything for certain, even if the environment suggests you should.

I know, I know. The point.

The other day when we were in the waiting area for Molly's follow up to her g tube surgery, a woman approached us holding her baby. I'd say the little girl was nine months old? She was cute. She had earrings. Nodding toward Molly, in the general direction of me and Erin, this cute little girl's mom says, "Do you mind if I ask what's wrong with her?"

I quickly calculated a few responses:

"Nothing."
"What do you mean?"
"She's small."

But honestly, I never intended to say anything. My wife, because this entire process has made her tough as nails, simply said, "She has Trisomy 18." It was clear this woman had no idea what that meant, and she proceeded to tell Erin she was only asking because her daughter looked just like Molly when she was born. At that point the receptionist called me to fill out some paperwork and I didn't return until the cute baby with the earrings - and her mother - had gone off somewhere. She turned out to be perfectly nice. And she was only asking because she thought maybe her daughter and Molly had something in common.

Perhaps I am hyper-sensitive because I am trying to keep it positive?

Or maybe there are actually four things you should absolutely never ask someone.